Riding a Trike…It’s Spandex Mike!

Old men should not wear speedos or spandex. That is a maxim I have long espoused, especially when, as a young man, I observed older men on bicycles whizzing by in suck-tight spandex riding shorts. I never felt comfortable with the appearance. They are, well, too…tight.

Now that I am old (-er), I have had opportunity to reconsider certain of my former fiercely-held convictions and I’ve relaxed my grip a bit on some of them. As a result, I am now one of those older men who whizzes by. In spandex britches. On my tricycle.

Yes. I said “tricycle.” Before you laugh, I must protest that, up until very recently, I had an e-bike which was quite fun. I began, however,  to feel insecure about the bike. I broke my hip in 2014 while kicking around a soccer ball with my son. I will be the first to admit that I am not a David Beckham, but I felt I could at least dribble the ball–in soccer that’s tapping it from foot to foot–and kick it to him while he practiced blocking it as a goalie.

It seems I was overly-confident. As I tried to tap the ball, my foot rolled up over the top of it and I fell–hard–on asphalt, shattering my hip. I later learned that I had osteoporosis as well, but that’s a different story. Long story short, I received a titanium hip replacement, which has been a blessing. At times, however, it can be an irritant to perenially-grumpy TSA agents at airport scanning stations. But I digress.

Back to my e-bike. I rode it and really liked it, but I soon grew paranoid that I might skid in gravel, fall, and mess up my shiny, expensive hip hardware…not to mention assorted bones! So my shiny orange e-bike was relegated to the garage, while I, needing exercise, lamented my situation.

My problem was solved when I became aware of e-trikes! After looking around for awhile, I found a good, gently-used e-trike with lots of extras at a fraction of the cost when new. The stability of having a third wheel provided the confidence I needed. After riding around for a couple of weeks, I was reminded of how I had developed a sore saddle (if you get my drift) on my e-bike, and was beginning to experience the same discomfort when riding the trike.

Out of the blue, my wife suggested I get a pair of biker shorts. You know. The spandex kind with a block of foam wedged into the nether regions to cushion…you know, to cushion. I’ll leave it at that. Well, I was horrified! Did she honestly expect me to scandalize the neighborhood with an indecent display that no one should have to see? Never! My scruples recoiled with righteous indignation. She probably rolled her eyes.

Well, I continued riding while my posterior paid the price. I thought I would eventually get used to it, but a tender tush is a definite deterrent to pedaling pleasure! So, unexpectedly, I happened upon a pair of used biking shorts at a local thrift store. I looked around to make sure no one saw me, and hid them among other items in my cart. I felt so embarrassed. I probably even looked away while the clerk rang me up.

All right! I can admit when I’m wrong, okay!? Clearly, biker pants do have a place–a strategically-placed one, in fact–even on older bikers. One ride told the comfortable tale, though my Victorian timidity persisted. I finally found a solution that I could live with: I now wear athletic shorts over the slinky spandex. No one ever needs to know!

Yes, I will admit that I now view other spandex-sheathed “mature” bikers with more grace than before. I am still fan of an athletic-shorts shield…for basic human decency! And I remain, however, resolute on one point! I will not be talked into a speedo under any inducement! I do have my limits! And that’s all I have to say. Fin.