Do you ever wake up, feeling black-hearted? Has sin been your companion, leading you to the “Far Country” of who you are not, of who you don’t want to be? And yet you go. And you hate yourself for it. And you fear what God thinks of you. And you are scared about that.

Well, that has been my morning. It’s not the first time I’ve been here, and probably won’t be the last. I am very susceptible to guilt and shame. There are times that those dark emotions eclipse resting in the good news of Redemption, of forgiveness, cleansing, and justification. Thank God it’s usually temporary, but it is nonetheless very painful and frightening.

But thank God His graces are enduring, settled, and rooted in love and mercy–ours because Jesus paid the sin-debt for our bentness. This places us beyond the sphere of condemnation, God choosing to give us an acquittal: forgiveness of our sins and cleansing from all unrighteousness (1 John 1:9). I know that, but when I’m in such a melancholy funk, I just wish that I felt it.

What provoked all this is my prolonged battle with–and yielding to–a besetting sin. For those who don’t know that term, besetting sin is a term which describes a particularly powerful, persistent, and a very distressing sin. And the most distressing part of it is that a base part of me enjoys that sin. That is heartbreaking.

My area of besetting sin is in the sexual realm. I was sexually abused as a child, and as such I have been sexually bent my entire life. Often this is the outcome for abuse victims. Over-sexualized pressures invade the mind, will, and emotions (soul), and are encoded in the body. Hopefully this isn’t TMI (too much information), but it is real and honest. I see no point in a Christian blog that can’t be that. Hiding doesn’t help.

There are few sins as dominating as sexual sins. Sex, it has been said, is like a burning coal from a fireplace; in it’s proper place (the grate) it gives comforting warmth, but if it rolls out onto the carpet it can become destructive. The Scriptures define that “proper place” as marriage between a man and a woman. Exclusively. And that includes our thought life.

So as you may have guessed, I experienced a failure in the area of lust. It was a failure of heart, mind and eyes–a sin of the interior. This area of weakness has been prayed about, cried over, put down, picked up again, ad nauseum. It actually is a subtle kind of infidelity. I love my wife. I want to be honorable and dedicated only to her–body and soul. And of course, I want to please God. But lust introduces impurities in those relationships. That’s why I grieve.

The challenge for me–for all of us–is to remember that the battle is real, and whether we like it or not, we are in it. Secondly, because this is spiritual war, we have a spiritual enemy. The special weapon of the enemy is accusation. Accusation is a fiery arrow that impales our sense of acceptance and assurance. And for one often tempted to look at my performance instead of my position in Christ–forgiven, accepted, cleansed, and loved–it can be especially deadly. But, even in spite of our ongoing skirmishes, Christ defeated our enemy on the Cross. He purchased complete forgiveness for us. No one–even Satan–can file a charge against us. God’s verdict when He looks at us is NOT GUILTY. Christ bore the penalty for the sin of the whole world.

One of Christ’s disciples asked, “How many times must I forgive my brother if he sins against me? Up to seven?” Jesus replied, “Up to seventy times seven.” Of course, Jesus didn’t mean 490 times. “7” is a number in the Bible that indicates completeness. Jesus was saying that we must forgive completely, because we are forgiven completely. Compounding the 7 with 70 is meant to emphasize our utter and complete forgiveness of God through the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus Christ. As He said on the Cross: “It is finished!”

So for now, I grieve, but not without hope. I’m not content to continue in my sin, but it has been tough. God is not content either, but He says “My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in your weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). Though I may still fall, God holds my hand. And as a good Father, He has compassion on me . Sometimes my mind has a hard time grasping the enormity of that. But it’s true. Thank God it’s true.

There are any number of “besetting sins” that we may be dealing with. For some it’s overeating, or alcohol, or drugs, or pornography, or fornication, or adultery. This list is in no way exhaustive, of course. Regardless of the struggle, the answer is to be redeemed and empowered by the life of Christ. The answer is usually not instantaneous, but it could be. More often than not, it is a process; it may be hard, but God is at work with you in it.

Scottish pastor Samuel Rutherford (1600-1661) said, “Christ chargeth me to believe His daylight at midnight.” He further encourages, “Send a heavy heart up to Christ, it shall be welcome.” Though it may be dark just now, God is treating me as a son, by correcting me. I am so thankful for that. As God does His work in me, please pray for me. If you need to talk to someone confidentially, email me* at michael.bentmanwalking@gmail.com. We need each other. –MOW

(*No spam, solicitations, or overly explicit information please.)

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